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Leonard Cohen Sep. 25th, 2009 @ 04:14 am
I was at the concert today.

I'm not really a concert person, but... well, no buts about it - I wouldn't have gone without L.

What did I think about it? Hmm. First of all, I couldn't really see the show. Only the screens, and that feels a lot like watching the DVD of the show (unless something special happens, then you can say "I was there!"). It took me a while to "get in the zone", and to keep there I needed to minimize other outside stimulations (so touching of any kind kinda shook me out). While there though, it was REALLY relaxing and enjoyable. BUT - it was just as enjoyable as sitting in a dark mostly-empty bar in the middle of the night, just nursing a strong drink and getting lost in the music. It really was just... just the same (internal) experience. Like a GOOD bar outing.

He sings somewhat strange versions of the songs. Not better, but just... almost like he's trying to improvise but obviously rehearsed this exact improvisation. I couldn't understand why - I mean, they're not new versions, they're not improvements... Is it just so that the crowed wouldn't feel like they're listening to the CD?

Finally I got it - there are parts he sings exactly like the CD - those are the parts he WANTS the audience to sing with him. It really struck me - If he sings the songs the way every knows them - everyone will just sing with him. That would be annoying to everyone, and... well... not good showmanship. So he sings slightly altered versions - and no one joins cuz... cuz they can't. They miss the queues and are out of sync. So... so these versions are just a form of CROWED CONTROL!

Once I got that - it really started annoying me :|

Another thing - I don't like when performers do "something special for this specific audience" when it's obvious it's been rehearsed. Kinda like saying "You are a very special audience - so I'll sing this song now"... each and every show.
Think "the Simpsons" when a band plays and the lead singer says "I love you..." stops, looks behind his guitar for the note attached there, and then adds "... Springfield!". It felt like that a few times during the show. Just without the pausing :)

Don't get me wrong - he's a great showman. The crowed loved it. When he added the words "in Tel Aviv" after the word "here" is whatever song it was - the crowed went wild. I didn't like that (the crowed's reaction mostly. But just mostly)

Bottom line though - I did enjoy myself. Really enjoyed myself. I don't know why people find it so important to go to these things, but still, really enjoyed it. And enjoyed being with L there.

Done reading again Jun. 18th, 2008 @ 02:42 pm
And again I am bookless. The train ride home will be a pain...

Turns out I had read Eric, and I've just finished Fragile Things.
I miss reading the Songs of Ice and Fire series. Those books don't end quite as fast :p
But knowing how long I'll have to wait once he publishes the next one... I don't think I'll have the stomach for it.

The stories in Fragile Things - except for the last one (which is an American God novella) - are basically the same. A snapshot of a moment in life, with no real beginning or end, mostly focused on the power that stories and legends have on the world. It's as if Gaiman can no longer really write great stories because in a way he's moved passed it. Like he no longer writes stories that change how we see the world, but now writes stories that change how we see stories.

I've seen this a few times before in my life. Like a very experienced engineer who doesn't actually get things done anymore but rather shows how these things don't really have to be done to begin with. A programmer who when given an assignment will no longer write the code but shows how if you think about it in a different way - it's actually the same as something you already have and how you can incorporate your design to become something grander. Like a researcher who doesn't really need know anymore anything about the field of research but can tell you that the best way to get things done is to try and find something to incorporate these other two groups into one article (without really knowing or caring what they actually do).

It's when you transcend your field. And at that point you can do a lot of good to increase the productivity of those who actually do the work, but you cannot do it yourself anymore. You just see too much and know too much about how things work to be able to actually do anything.

It's when you see the long term effects of every little thing that you do, and you see how you can change it just a little to get a better result. And you keep seeing all those possibilities... in every little decision or action... so much so that you can never really commit because it can be done better, or you know that in five years it'll cause a problem, or you know there's no point to decide cuz it'll be changed later. So you end up not doing it at all.

I think I am there is my Army work. Hence I don't want to go back as a researcher. Maybe an administrator.

But unfortunately - Gaiman is there. And that means we've lost a great story teller. Hopefully that loss will spur a gain in new story tellers and I'll be able to one day have a queue of books waiting for me, instead of having to wait for books to come out.

And my WoW guild is dieing. That really makes me sad.

All things said - I did really enjoy the book. It is different, and the similarity between it does get tiresome at some point. But I did enjoy it.

Memory is a fickle mistress Jun. 8th, 2008 @ 10:03 pm
And I have none.
I just realized there are years of my life I simply don't remember. Like the time between Tori and Nakkiel. And more recently - most of the time since Midi an I broke up.

I should start documenting my life once again. Just... so it'll mean something.

I hate my memory.

Sherry will come over tonight. She was here last night too. We saw Batman begins and the first episode of The west wing. And had great sex this morning. I don't know what came over me.

I was going to break up with her. Then I found that one thing (she had sex with her best friend while I was in Vienna. That is something that'll come back to haunt me...)

When it'll end - and it will end sometime - it'll be bad. For me, and for her. At least in my mind I still know why I broke up with Midi, so the pain - although still there - is manageable.

I did meet... well... Voc. I met her about a year ago through OkCupid - she's the person with the highest compatibility score with me. Well, was - now Nakki is highest and Voc is second. Anyway - we met a few times then, but it didn't go anywhere because of Midi. Now we met again - but she has a boyfriend (on and off) for the last year.

She's really a high quality person. And although not exactly my type physically, she is beautiful and... well... I would like to be with her.

I'm thinking of waiting around for another "off" part of her relationship and try my luck then :p
Until then - I'll try and stay around her.

... Jun. 7th, 2008 @ 08:28 pm
Everyone is a replacement for the last one - until she becomes the last one...

There is a book Jun. 4th, 2008 @ 01:40 pm
by Neil Gaiman called Fragile Things.
In this book there is a story called Bitter Grounds.

This is not a spoiler to that story.

I haven't finished it yet. That is not the point.
He describes a feeling of being dead inside that... struck me.

And it made me think - either you know what this feeling is, and then this seems trivial, or you don't, and then it seems exaggerated, or unrealistic, or forced.

I don't think the people who don't could ever understand the people who do. Not in this sense at least.

I have me a book! Jun. 3rd, 2008 @ 09:31 pm
And that makes me happy.
Unfortunately, it's not enough...

You will always find things you'll like in people... Jun. 2nd, 2008 @ 07:37 pm
No matter how much you're bad for each other,
No matter how little you think of them,
No matter how much you know they aren't the one -

You will always find things you'll miss when they're finally gone.

And miss them badly.

Things that'll hurt and agonize you,
things that'll question all you know and remember about those people.
It might be just one smile, just one gesture, one feature or feeling that will mask out all the real good reasons to go your separate way.

It just isn't worth it anymore. I start a relationship and by the end of the first week I'm already dreading the pain that will pop up a year and a half away - allowing for a year until we break up and another half that until that one thing finally drowns out everything else.

It just isn't worth it anymore. Dating someone who isn't perfect. Saying "well, lets stay a bit longer. Maybe it'll work out". No. The risk isn't worth it. You can't stay long enough to risk finding that one thing.

If you are to move on - do it fast. Not to be "nice" or "decent" towards the other party, but to... be able to survive.

I'm dating someone now. She's nice. She's great. As far as I can tell - she's all I ever wanted in a girl. But there are no sparks. I would like to wait and see if it changes. She smokes. I think it doesn't bother me. I'd like to see if it works out. But I can't. I've been burnt once too often and now I lie awake at night obsessing about an all too real pain from a theoretical future I can't seem to escape.

I freaking need a book. How can stores in Vienna close at 6PM?!
Other entries
» Phishing!!! :)
Okokok... I haven't posted in a while. I still have a lot to post, and am doing a lot of things and going through a lot lately... but... Midi is here almost constantly. So I can't post. But it's so great to have her here... :)

Anyway - I recently registered with OkCupid. It's a great place and I meet there so many people I like...

I also got a message from a "girl" from Africa who said she liked my profile and wanted to talk by mail. She then sent me this message:
The MailCollapse )
Attached to the mail was a photo of a nice black girl, and a drawing of a rose which was labeled "mylove".

This obviously raises a "few" flags... :) I decided to play along and have some fun.
But first - a quick google found me this (translated here)
Notice it's exactly the same - word for word.

This is so funny. Obviously I've flagged the account and her message (where she gave me her e-mail), but...
I still think I might want to have some fun here. Maybe try to see if there is a person there reading the mails, or whether it's all automatic, or whatever...

Hmm... I've never posted "amused" before... I "wonder why" :p
» Feeling better :)
It was a nice night out. There was the lunar eclipse, and the party...
It's nice to see people who see me in a positive light :)

They know me, they missed me... I even got in for free (well, I got there early, and accidentally payed for another party that was on the second floor :/ but still :) )

And I met Noa. The little one. Whom Nakki talked to about me at the protest...

I talked to her about it, and well... She never really took it seriously. She considered it to be "Exs shit". It makes me feel good that those people see me in such a good light as to take my side of things :)

Still, I don't know who talked to Whip :/

Gothy took my picture, I'll post them as soon as I can...
I looked so good, and so sleazy :) I think I'll go to work in this outfit on Monday :)
» Wow! Things!
Lots of things happened lately. I hope I'll remember to write it all :/

Midi actually spent almost every night in the last week at my place, hence the not posting :)

This is so much fun :p

Okok. To business. Let's start with today.
Today a very good friend of mine from the Meimad was released from the army. So I won't be seeing as much of him :(
We'll keep in touch with all the Meimad events, but... it isn't the same.

I also had a guitar lesson, which was really cool and in which I learned the solo of Up all night. It's a really fun solo :)
I'm even making progress with the singing lessons. So I might even be able to perform with it in... oh... a month or two? o.O

Someone from work mentioned she had to find a lecture for the new people in her unit. I volunteered. I want to do something about vibrating strings, frequencies, harmonies, and eventually - either chords or quantum mechanics*.

I enjoyed the idea so much I kept building the lecture in my head all day. Especially while driving. And I must admit I understand quantum mechanics better myself as a result :p
I forgot just how much I love physics... :/

* No joke. Really. They are related so much that... it'd be a wast not to... :)

I did an Alcohol and X night at my place last week. It was great :) We saw Pinky and the Brain, an episode of The Muppet Show (since more than half of them never saw it, or even knew what it was!!! I'm so old :/) and finally a few episodes of Drawn Together.

By the end most... normal... people... fuck. I completely forgot. BLAH! I'll add a post with the "private" stuff later :/

But the night was a real success. I had to rearrange my room into a living room (I can do that now that I don't have a roommate :)) and I had to clean the house (to some extent...) but it was worth it.
I'll be doing another night shortly :)

Saturday: Queer PURIM fest! :)
And tonight: Yakamo for an Anime night. He's late, mind you :/ and later I want, maybe, to go to Sandy's birthday. We'll see.

Oh, oh! Least I forget! I finished the first Farseer book. It... didn't end as badly as I'd feared. I even enjoyed it :)
So now for the rest.
I also read another of the 100 bullets and two Fables comics. The last one (the 1001 nights thing?) I really enjoyed. I loved the artwork and the story telling. But... I didn't like how they took the Arabian myths and "westernized" them. Adding Snow White as a main character, and having the stories be European fairytales. Yes, it fits better this way with the plot line, but... I still... it still bothers me.

Well, bye now! I still have a lot to write.
» Astronomy Olympiad!
Math got to the final round of the Israeli Astronomy Olympiad!
WOW! She's go... Wow.

The last round is a... sort of a multiple choice questions and answers round in front of an audience. Being... well, Being Math, she's... well, terrified.

They sent her a lot of background material. I've given her the number of a friend of mine who participated (well, 12 years ago, but still)

Did you know I got first place in the Israeli Physics Olympiad? I participated in two International Physics Olympiads as well, and did quite well. At least in the first one :p

God, I hope she gets to our unit. She'll flourish here.

I met her and her G/F yesterday. I think her G/F has a crush on me...
They are together for 6 months now. Wow, that's... so long. Me and Midi are a long time together as well. Somehow... it doesn't feel this way. :/

And they have their problems. Still the same problems. her G/F... doesn't really... respect her? She seems to find Math's quirks a little silly and Math herself not worth taking seriously. This time it manifested in, well, something to do with smoking.

They came to my place. We were supposed to see Batman: The Movie. It should be such a silly movie :p

But her father wanted her home, so we had no time for it. I might go to her place this weekend and see it.

I like her so much! For one... look, she was depressed. The cigarette thing with her G/F, her father coming early to take them... she was down.
So I cheered her up. How? Took her to my bed... set her there... and... expanded on a physics problem they had for homework.

Something small - a ring spinning around its vertical diameter, with a bead on it.
The homework was to find the spin rate given that the bead was located at 30 deg. from the bottom.
I showed her what would happen if at the same spin rate the bead was to have a small disturbance.
We even made a mistake we found by checking that the units work out. That just... got her ecstatic.

We didn't really have time to finish, but... god, how can you not like someone who cheers up from physics?!

Why, oh why is she 16?! :/

Me and Midi... aren't so well. She's a bit... down. Feeling (rightly so) that... she's too... vanilla for me. Not sexually, but... as a person.

I'm not sure how much longer we'll... make it. It is sad, because I... feel god with her. Better than I've felt in a long long time.

But she isn't The One. That much I know.
» (No Subject)
My journal is a mess now. Too many things converged through it in the last couple of weeks.

It is a mess of Friends Only posts, and a disaster of Private posts.

It might take some time before it will function properly again, and it will take work as well.
I'll just add that the train that wrecked the journal has now moved to emails, and hence the healing might begin.

To begin with - I'll repost a bit of blog that was "collateral damage" when I removed a post.
This is from February 11, 2007, three days ago :)

Yesterday - I met with Kaboom and her friend. I should really give her a name. Math it is then. It's not perfect, but it'll do.
Kaboom had a really bad week. I... had to do something. So I took them both to a Meimad movie screening, and let Kaboom drive all the way there and back :)

From Kohav Yair to Hertzelia and back. It's her first... long drive. She's... Ok, but still very inexperienced.

That made them both so happy :) Math is... well... hmm - great :)

We saw V. Such a good movie. It's so... well... precise. But it's not a social movie. No interaction between people during the movie, since... you can't miss a beat from it.

This week - back to work. Might see Midi tonight. We haven't seen each other since Friday morning. And I was half asleep at the time.

Oh, and a nice talk with Whip and her G/F last night :)
But I covered some of it in the locked post.

(I'm such a geek :] the <"""> are from Python - a way to quote a number of lines of strings. C++ could use such a syntax...)

What else? Slept at Midi's again last night :)
We had nice sex. We've been holding out for a while because of a urinary tract infections.
Unfortunately - I'm back to finding sex boring... :/
Kind of a wast of time, in a way. Blah.

And guitar lessons again today. I'm really slacking out - I didn't practice anything I should have in the last couple of weeks. Nor am I doing the singing training. I did have an excuse for the singing though- I have a cold, and hence a sore throat. But... being honest with myself... it's just an excuse. I... just don't do it.
» I got a mail from Kiddo
Which was a bit rambly, and not so clear, but...she's right. About some things at least.

Others things were really... wrong :) But that doesn't matter.

So I did go in a more... direct root. No, I didn't call her, nothing like that. But... I did "the expected thing".

<Help> :/

Just for the record - Midi has known about this from the moment it happened. I have learned... some, from past mistakes.
» There is a post
A huge post. Really too big for my own good. Filled with rambles.

It's private ATM. Anyone who can't read it and wants to... should call me. Or MSN me. At least we'll talk about it.
It might become public at a later time. Or at least some parts might become public. I don't know. I'm still too confused.
» Random quote
"The best way to loose something is to want it too much"

From Scrubs :p
Don't know why - but I felt like posting it...
» Rocky Horror Picture Show
I went to see Rocky in Haifa. For once a good Rocky with friends which is far enough away :p

They actually had a spoon to play Brad! A human sized spoon! With glasses!

It was so great!

It was a good... thing. I went with Firefly, and... met Whip and her G/F there... we were all "touchy feely", and... but... later she came to talk to me.

Things are changing. Fast. But... some things aren't, and... I need to keep that in mind. I'm too quick to... forgive. To forget how I feel. I... couldn't really tell her really how I feel, simply because I forgot. Just...

All I want is to... is that people care for me. Think well of me. Actually... no. All I want, all I ever wanted is that what I feel would count for something :/

And starting to think that it might be the case... everything else seems unimportant. Because if people care for me, I can't be... mad at them. Because if they care... then... that all that matters. All. That. Matters.

But I have to remember it... it's not necessarily the case. It wasn't until now. Not even... when it was supposed to be the case. So... no reason for it to have changed now.

But I wore a new dress :) A mini :D I looked good :) I need purple lipstick.

I also recognized queenmab21 from her user-pic. And ended up driving her to Tel-Aviv :)
I won't be friending her, because there are things I don't... want to hear about. But should she choose to read - then welcome! Enjoy yourself to all the public posts. Most posts are. Some aren't :)

And today - for the first time... I was... attacked? Yes, attacked on the street.
I passed a group of people on the street, they started laughing... one started following me... I turned and confronted him - which scared him :p
He started telling me to turn around and just walk away. I... confronted them some more and walked away. Normally.
Two of them followed me and started throwing things at me. A cardboard box, and then some beer bottles. They obviously did it more to save face in front of their friends. They weren't really aiming, and hence weren't even close to hitting.
So... I just went on, crossed the street and went home. And that was that.

Am I scared? Was I? Hmm... I don't think so. It was a well lit street with lots of people and cars and all. I actually found it amusing. And... I... feel kinda... "Finally! :)"

That's kinda... disturbing :/
» Another one
I just got another "weekly" email.
This time... it hit me harder than usual. My heart actually did... well... jump when I saw it.

I don't know why, but I though this week it will be different. Either I'll get a personal invite or... they'll make sure I don't get one at all.

But I guess that would involve caring.


(BTW - how do you say מפוכח in english? :/ )
(Found! Thanks to lilacsinmarch)
» Scratch Book
Will probably be updated... I'll keep moving it up as it happens.
Just some ramblesCollapse )

Edit: Disabled comments. This is my scratchbook.
» So cold!!!
I'm going out with friends. It's... COLD OUT THERE!!! I can hardly move. :/

I'm actually wearing pantyhose under my pants to keep warm!


But... after 7 hours strait of WoW I need to go out :p
» WTF?!
Well, this is... well... this is as "WTF" as it gets.

But it isn't... crap. I'll just move on the the next item.

Bought the Burning Crusade - the WoW expansion.
Played almost non-stop since I got it until now. Almost 2 full days :)
More than half that time Midi played. She just started her first char friday morning, and is already level 12 :p

I... went back to the hunter. To my first char. It's... I haven't played it in... since my vacation a year ago.

It really is fun :p And spending the day with Midi like this... was good :)
» email
Once a week I get the email.
It's not good for me.
» Bloom (didn't I have such a subject once? :/ )
I went to the Bloom today. Sat there all night with a friend (kinda) from the army (Ex) that I happened to meet on my way.

We waited until 2:30 AM, then I went on stage, played Mr Tambourine Man, which went very well, followed by To Live is To Fly which - it seems - didn't go so well. But I feel good about them both.
Had the beginning of each sentence written on the flore beside me :)
Well, not on the flore, obviously. On papers on the flore...

I'll go back next week. And I have to do those pentatonic exercises I got on my guitar :/

What else... Oh, right.
I'm getting tired of The Farseer. It seems... kinda trashy. Too... I don't know. Predictable?

I need better books.

Tomorrow morning I have to get up to let the electrician fix our boiler. So I need to sleep.
Y&et I'll go play some WoW and watch TV :/
» And another one...
I added another counter. This time I had the presence of mind to understand immediately.

But that's not for now.

Met katuj Wednesday :) It's strange to meet for the first time someone who knows so much about me...
(BTW - congrats!)

I'm not writing lately. It's not that I don't want to - Ok, it is that I don't want to, but it's not that I don't have things to write. Nor that I lack the urge. I actually need to fight it. I...
I need a break from a lot of things.

I'm trying to learn to play To live is to fly. I want to be able to perform it at the Bloom Sunday.
Last Sunday I was there, and tried again Mr Tambourine man. It really sucked, but... ok.

It's not a good song. Too serious.
At least there were really nice people there who helped me. One is the girl I met almost a year age (at the end of that bad day when I started the counter... the Mirror Mask day...) and the other... someone I thought for a long time hated me, but found out that he wasn't ignoring me - but rather really didn't remember :)

Anyway - I'll try again Sunday, and might let you know.
» Last will and testament
Well, that's a morbid subject :p

I'm having a bad few days.
It's a week away from one year since... since. And it isn't getting better.
On one hand - the urge itself is gone :) I'm glad I (almost) made it through the year - and going on from here will be so much easier.

But even a year later - the blows just keep on coming. And that last one was... was really bad.

I might go to Mazal just to confront some people there. Or not.

Really bad.

And when that happens I usually start thinking about dieing. In the way of "if I died right about now, what will happen?"
That is when I start thinking about my will :)

Just thinking, mind you. Just fantasizing... right now it goes something like this:

All my comics to Kaboom. Who else? :p
All my sci-fi books... well, all my books actually, except for the Fire and Ice ones and the LotR hard cover set - to Kaboom's friend. I never gave her a name here, but she'll know who I mean.
Oh - and also a telescope. Or enough money and explicit instructions to use said money only to buy one.

50,000 NIS to Salon Mazal. Yes, they (probably) treated me like crap, but they're still an important place... and besides - given what they heard about me, I proud they acted as they did.

The Sandman statues go to my sister :)

I though a lot whether I wanted to leave Nakki anything. I mean - I want to, but... it might be seen as stalking, or trying to hurt her "from beyond"...
I decided I will leave her something. Although not 10% of all my money (as I planned when we were together, and also for a while after that) but still, a couple of small things...
First - the Fire and Ice books. With the "bookmark" I used :)
She might have them already, but... I really want to give them to her.
Anyway - the books and... and my computer. For two reasons. One - it's the most intimate thing I have, and if ever she'll want to see my side - this is the way.
Second - I (still) haven't erased her WoW char... Nor have I played with it. So... you know :)
I used to toy with the idea of buying her an account and transferring the character there, but again - I "don't believe" it would have been appreciated :/

The LotR boxed set will go to Kiddo. I love that set. Hard cover, thick paper... I used to fantasize having it in the family library once I have kids.

I'll need to teach my kids english from an early age :/

Tory. Now that's a stomper. What will I leave her?
Probably nothing, but... not because we've drifted apart or anything spiteful like that. It's just that... she really is OK, she really is getting along, and I don't see her needing or wanting for any material things. Certainly not any of the things I have to give.

Although Suzan really does... need, I'm not sure if giving her anything will help. I don't know how to help her anymore. Maybe my car.
Actually, my other sister will get the car. So Suzan might get enough money for another car. Or, probably better, some kind of fund to help her... stay off the streets during her "bad times". I can't afford buying her a place, but... I do think there is something to be done there.

The rest will just go to my parents. The money, the appliances... everything that's left.

I'm not sure if I'd like to be buried or cremated and set over the ocean. But if I'm buried - I REALLY don't want them to remove my tattoo. It's important to me... and I want to keep it.

That's it, I guess. It's kind of funny thinking about it. Especially now - that if I actually do die anytime soon people might think from this post that I planned it :p

Well, just so I don't get any panicked / concerned phone calls - It's just some harmless thoughts. Nothing more.

Another kind of funny thought I've been passing through my head lately concerns Midi :p

Turns out that with all her... fragile look, she's really quite a SUB. And quite into pain.
She loves getting hit, and when she had it her way - used to get hit so bad she was literally and quite visibly black and blue all over. She's (it turns out) quite known for it and really proud of it.
It really turns her on.

The point is - given my current reputation of being a "dangerous person" and a spouse abuser*, I thought of the... let's say "comic situation" which might arise if we ever go there.
Hence - not completely unrelated to this reason - I'm not going there even though... requests have been made.
Not only because of "what people might think", but more than that - I can't. I might have been able to "act the part" if my mind was free, but I can't with all this crap over my head.

But you must admit it is kind of a funny situation :)

* don't let the casualness of these statements fool you. It's the reason behind the first part of this post :/

» Crazy Aussie!
Well, to said crazy Aussie, if you did come here - welcome!

I'm kinda drunk, so obviously I'm posting a... well... post. Even though I stopped posting.
That "Violence against women" parade struck me REALLY hard, I guess. Kind of a wake up call.
Followed by tonight's event. Really, if I asked "how dares she?" in Queerhana, this time it's like... WTF?! How does ANYONE do such a thing?! Who is this person?!

And I really didn't need to know what I now know about Nakki. Unfortunately - no matter how much they hurt me, or try to actively make me miserable... I still feel an urge to make sure she's happy. And hearing this just... crushes me.

And the thought that some happiness will come to them through me - by my introduction of people to RANMA 1/2 - while they still actively outcast me, hate me and do their best to make me miserable... that thought really... I don't know. Fuck them! How can they take the good things from me without... while treating me this way?!

Fuck them.
Sure, I'm drunk. Not too drunk, mind you. But... I guess this kind of thing is most of my journal. Here's to you - crazy Australian! `Till we meet again...

* PS: according to gmail - I made no spelling mistakes while writing this post. Which makes me quite proud

Oh, and I think I managed to make the comments to this post open to everyone. Including unregistered web surfers...

Who knows? We'll have to check and see...

<Just checked...> Hmm... nope.
N/M then :/
» Paradildo
OK, the Paradildo was tonight.

Frankly, I didn't have the energy for it today. I didn't want to go - and I hoped I could help set things up and then leave.

But it didn't turn out that way - we got there at about 16:00, so we could set up the place. It's such a nice place!
At first I didn't really find my place to help, but then - since I was in charge of the clips - I started helping out set up the computer and making sure you could see them right.

So I turned out to be the sound / movie person. :)

There was something like 80 people who came (and paid)! Although not everyone will agree with me - I find it amazing.
And the evening itself was great - the shows were good, the movie was terrific (I forgot the name - but it's a documentary about Metal) and I really think people enjoyed themselves :)

On the same subject - Friday morning I went to see the girl who was hurt during Queerhana. She wanted to see the clips.

When we were left alone for a while (I wasn't the only one there...) - she told me that she thinks they found my blog. Yes - this one.

They were looking for the word Paradildo on the web to see how much their PR worked, and found my blog. Which is strange - since I can't find it in google this way... :/

Anyway - because of it I decided to stop trying to hide myself and today when people asked personal questions about me (my age, for one. And what I do...) I just told them. So now they know. Blah

I hope none of them will start reading...

Oh! Oh! And two police men stopped me on the street today! one took my phone and started going through it, and then went through my bag. Without my consent! The problem is - I don't know if they're allowed to do so.

If I'd been sure they're not allowed - I wouldn't have let them. Blah. Yup, blah again.

I hate not doing anything in these cases...

Wednesday I had a huge meal with the work Meimad people. We ate at Papagayo - lots of meat. The meal was about three hours long...

It cost 180 shekels per person, of which I paid 25 shekel per person. Why? Well... I wanted people to really enjoy themselves, and... well... we could all upgrade our meals for 50 shekels to include a free drink, free soft drinks all night and desert. Most didn't want to, but... it really would make the meal more fun. So I proposed to split the difference :)

That night I slept with Midi, and in the morning we had great sex. All day everyone commented on how much I'm glowing, and how it's strange to see me so happy.

Frankly... I'm not sure if it's the food or the sex :p
» I think I saw a dead person...
There was a huge traffic jam this morning on Ayalon. When I got to the end of it I saw there was a car accident, and only one lane was open. Kinda. Even it was regulated by the police...

There was a car in the middle of the road, kinda smashed up. When I passed I saw there was a woman still sitting in the drivers chair. The airbag was open. As was her mouth. And eyes. She was pale and... she didn't move.

I was in the traffic jam for almost an hour before I got there. Hence I assume the accident was at least an hour old. Yet she was still sitting there, no one was staying near her - talking to her or what not. No one was near the car - the police were doing other things.

I was shocked to see there was someone in the car.
I'd have thought that with all the dead people on TV, all the violence there and... well... everything - I'd kind of be prepared for such a sight.

I wasn't. It's not the same. Not at all.

As the time passes I seem to convince myself that I was mistaken. That she wasn't dead. As time passes - I succeed.

Had another singing lesson yesterday. I even have homework. And some breathing exercises I hope I'll remember...

I've picked Kiss from a rose by Seal as the song we'll work on. Especially since it's a nice song, and quite challenging to sing.

I've always liked it. But I always thought of it as a love song - and although it's obvious that the lyrics are full of intricate imagery - I could never understand those images.

Then - while searching for the lyrics on-line - I found the song connected with cocaine. And at that moment - it clicked! It's so obvious! It's still a beautiful song. Maybe even more so now. But those images - they're just so much clearer.

I'm glad I picked it :)

Weekend weekend...

Loki was... eh. No art this time - just a friendly get together. And for some reason they wanted to watch Street Fighter II. It was a good movie - when I was 16! It's silly and boring! Everyone fell asleep :/

But me and Yakamo stayed later and saw another three episodes of Paranoia Agent :)

Speaking of age - hmm...
Let's just say I hate it when after I say repeatedly and firmly that I DO NOT WANT A BIRTHDAY RELATED ANYTHING AT ALL, and after I cancel a meal because I get wind that it's also a birthday thing... and then they call to say it'll just be something small, not birthday related in any way...

And still they give me a present. Cloths, and the exact type I would never wear no - as anyone who knows even a bit about me could guess. And then they expect me to be happy about it and thank them - when all I want to do is ask them - "Why would you do that? What good is this doing? Why the fuck do you think I'm going to thank you now?!"

On the bright side - my parents - for the first time ever - brought me something good. I'm really getting closer to my father lately, and we talked for a while about how - thanks to him - I'm really good at fixing stuff around the house. So he bought me a full set of tools, including a power drill and screw drivers and a hammer etc.

Well, most of it is cheap crap which doesn't work. Like the two pliers which actually got dent when I dried to cut guitar strings with them :p

So most of it is due to the garbage. But for the first time - it really is something I like, at least as a concept.

I like that...
» I didn't buy an iPod!
I was walking in Rabin Sq., near a bunch of pigeons feeding, when someone in front of me suddenly clapped his hands once very hard. All the pigeons just took to the air, flew over my head turned around as one and returned to their bread crumbs.

It was such a beautiful sight... <biting his lips>

Kaboom came this morning. I was so tired all we did was sleep together.
Then I walked with her to Dizingof Center, where she went on her way (she has a date! :) ).

Her comic enthusiast organization - OK are really getting serious. They'll be taking a much more active roll in the next Olamot, and... well... I'm really proud of what she's doing there...

I need a recording device for the singing lessons. And I've wanted an MP3 player for ages. So I thought I'd buy an iPod.

I want one with a large storage space. At least 20G. And I need it to record as well, and - since I like to drive - I need the car transmitter.

All in all it'd cost me about 700$. Could go down to 500$ if I take something from another company.

I really thought about it. I mean - yes, a lot of money, but I can afford it and... people with less money than me seem to have them.

Eventually I got a grip of myself and bought a small tape, 4 small cassettes and batteries for less than a tenth of the price :p

Yay for me!

One of the Paradildo people fell from the stage during rehersals for her Queerhana show.

At first they thought it was just a sprained ankle, but turns out she had some kind of pin stuck in her bone. So now she'll be three days in the hospital and will undergo surgery.

I'm going with Gothy to see her later...
» And I completely forgot!
Tomorrow night - Loki! At my parrents house!

I won't have a drawing, since... I'm going to visit one of the Paradildo members who was injured. She's in the pospital... :/

Saturday - familly, then Paradildo
Fun! :)
» Just one of those days =)
Work work work.
Then - straight to Midi. YAY! I didn't see her for a few days now. No time :(

We didn't have much time. We did get to see Total Recall. And... hmm... some "special" sex :)

I went to Queerhana later. I still had the obligation from before to be in the tickets booth between 00:00 and 02:00.

It was fun being there, and meeting the people, the Paradildo people, and selling tickets... And then... Them

Well, Leehee and Carmel came at some point. And Leehee saw me there, and came straight to me to buy the tickets. Even though right next to me was someone else who also sold tickets.

Fuck that. How dared she?! I was in such shock I just fumbled around and just... just did my job quietly.
Didn't have time to think.

I could have just ignored them, or better - get up and walk away until they went to the other person with me.

Just couldn't concentrate during the rest of my shift. I mean - really, how DARES she?!

And it seems quite obvious they're, at least in her mind, a couple now. Like she doens't care about Tom's feelings. I really can't stand them... They're bad people.

But I stayed. Why? Well, mostly because she came to me. If she does that she doesn't deserve me leaving just so she'd feel better. And I don't care about them anyway. (lies! :p )

And - unlike Mazal - this is much more my place than theirs. I'm not a people person, but... they know me, we work together. We create stuff together...

And they - they're just tourists. They come to "see", and feel good they're there. But they're not part of it. They are the Mazal people. The "fake" queers. I'm fake? Nope. Queer is all about diversity, and Mazal is all about seemingly fighting conformity, all the while being a group of identical people. All of them vegans, all bi, all liking the same music, having the same view of the world and dismissing anything different than them. Believe me, I know that.

And the nice thing is - that last part, wasn't my words! These are the words of one of the Paradildo people after I asked her why they didn't want to do the meetings in Mazal. Why they don't like Mazal.
Just what I felt, but thought it was because I was a conformer - my feelings exactly put into words by... someone who really is... real.

The night itself was amazing. Gothy was there, as was Sandy.
She's a lesbian woman I met about a year ago, here
Which came just after... This :(
Never really wrote about it. That's when I started my counter...

She's the organizer of the Pussy Gallore women only line of partys. And she invited me today :)
I drove her home at some point, then returned to the party. She's feeling down because she just lost her job today :/

Unfortunately - I lost my sweater there. There was one really similar to mine, so I suspect someone took mine by mistake. I really like it - it was gray, with a zipper in front, and a gift. From... someone important.

I stayed over an hour just looking for it. :/

Well, didn't get to update much the last few days. So some pointers:
I've recently lost my "go out and read" place. :/
But Thursday night I really felt like reading, and I was dead hungry. So I went out with Thud. While looking for somewhere nice to sit and eat while reading... I just felt lick being corrupt for once. So there I was, in whatever I happened to be wearing, sitting at Le Brasserie, eating clams and steak tartar, while reading.

The meal took two hours. After that I was high on food. I felt like I've drunk too much - couldn't walk straight, my head spinning, unable to post or even talk coherently. Just lying in bed, unable to do anything :)

That was so good! 130 shekels out...

Wednesday I had to take my car back, since the work car returned to the... "school" thing. Well, my car isn't as shiny as madcap_maisie's :p
A simple Citroen AX 97. The kind that looks second hand even right out of the factory. :p
It began heating up. So no car for me :/

Turns out the radiator was punctured...

Hence no Midi.

I did get to meet someone... new. Took my mother's car, got her from Kfar Saba, at her request drove her to my apartment where... oral sex galore. She's gay too, so nothing for me. But I like it that way :p

She smoked 3 joints while this was happening! At my house! That is a first for me - I don't even see people doing it normally!

So - for the first time I saw someone high. The wide pupils, for one... the strange conversation topics...

Well, not really the first. The first was two nights earlier - when we first met :)

Got a lot of compliments. She's leaving for Germany in a month... for good. And she's really Polly (has a S.O....) :)

I came back at 2 AM, and again felt like eating reading. This time - sardines and pita bread...
I Finlay went to bed at 5 AM.

I was supposed to see, or rather text message, Johan in messenger. But again - she disappeared. I... worry about her.

That's it, I think. That's why I'm tired these days...
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